Trader Joe's Indian Food, Ranked

If you live in America, chances are you don't live too far from a Trader Joe's. With nearly 600 locations in 43 states, TJ's is as ubiquitous as it is cheap. Moreover, it's well-stocked with pretty much every packaged food you could want, from chips to drinks to smoked salmon to microwavable dinners. Although finding good fresh food there is a challenge, one thing Trader Joe's does well is global cuisine, including Indian.

Now, to be honest, many Trader Joe's Indian food items clearly have a similar sauce base, and it's doubtful that they truly reflect the regional recipes upon which they claim to be based. Never having traveled to India, I am basing this off the many good restaurants in the Portland, Oregon, area where I live, basically all of which have better Indian food than Trader Joe's. However, there were some standout items that my family and I can wholeheartedly recommend ... and some we advise you avoid.

Using a 5-star ranking system, we sat down and gave each of the following 23 dishes a chance. Although we recognize that TJ's and the real world are going to have different standards (leading to the instant classic phrase, "just a Trader Joe's 5"), we still applied as much #science as we could to proceedings. Here's our final ranking, from worst to best.

There were five participants in this taste test: the Mother, the Husband, the Small Girl, the Small Boy, and me. All five of us agreed that the Fiery Chicken Vindaloo tasted less like it came from India, and more like it came from several hundred feet below India, in the fiery pits of hell where this fake vindaloo lookalike was presumably born.

The chicken tasted like spicy cardboard, and the sauce was appallingly hot, but it wasn't just a heat issue. There was something about the flavor combination that tasted about three seconds shy of going off completely ... which is impressive, considering it had only recently been frozen solid. Even at $4.49, it's far too expensive for the 1.2 out of 5 stars it earned.

At 1.4 out of 5 stars, the Yellow Tadka Dal was hot on the heels of the vindaloo, earning not-so-gentle gagging noises from several of the participants, including yours truly. For the most part, I made an effort to finish the few test bites I served myself, but I had too much self-respect to force the issue here.

While dal is one of my favorite dishes, and beloved by the Mother as well, it did not pass muster here at all. It's a shame, because the price was right — $2.49 for a decent bowl of it. However, between the off flavor and the plastic pouch it came in, we'd say steer clear.

Also gross? The Tikka Vegetables! This is impressive, since TJ's uses the same basic tikka sauce for many of its items, e.g., the Mini Chicken Tikka Samosas or the Chicken Tikka Masala, both of which were good.

Whatever it added to this, however, was godawful, and it wasn't just the veggies, which seemed like they were probably okay on their own. Something in that sauce earned it 1.6. out of 5 stars. It's another plastic-pouched item for $2.49 that can just be skipped.

The Palak Paneer came frozen in a box for $3.99. This is my favorite Indian dish, and to be honest, you'd think it would be pretty hard to mess up. Saute spinach; add cubes of delicious cheese. What's to ruin?

Trader Joe's managed to, with the oddest-tasting version of palak paneer I've ever had in my life. The Mother, who is even more of a diehard fan than I am, was equally appalled. There was some sort of odd spice mix going on, which she described as "cardamom-forward." We're all for cardamom, but not this much: 1.6 out of 5 stars.

Clocking in at 1.7 out of 5 stars, the Vegetable Biryani was a slightly better veggie showing than the last two. The Small Boy and Small Girl hated it, and the Husband wasn't far behind.

As someone who eats less meat than the others in the group, I originally had hopes that this $2.99 dish would deliver on its promise of dumplings, but they tasted like a mix of cat treats and pulp from a paper mill. Like, seriously bad. It's too late for us, but you can still save yourself.

A mixture of grains and legumes with some spices thrown in, the Kitchari doesn't seem like it could be that bad, and the price is right at $2.49. However, it clocked in at a flat 2 out of 5 stars by reason of it being, as the Small Girl said, downright "icky."

This dish suffered from what many of the lower-rated pre-mixed dishes on this list did: the fact that it is just a bunch of low-cost ingredients thrown into a sloppy mix without enough attention paid to the flavor of the resulting product. Avoid.

Finally, things are starting to get interesting. The Channa Masala was one of the grossest-looking dishes from the package, because apparently the food stylist was out that day and the understudy only shoots in tones of gray. We were suspicious. In the end, most of the family felt that suspicion was well-founded, rating it 1s and 2s.

I, however, did not. I liked the Channa Masala quite a lot, and gave it a 4/5 for flavor and texture (for an average 2.3 out of 5 stars from the fam). Although I won't be serving it to guests any time soon, it's a good way to get some functional protein when you don't feel like cooking.

Eggplant in spicy sauce doesn't tend to go over well with the childlike set, and our home was no exception. The kids weren't huge on the Baingan Bharta, generally poo-pooing it and refusing to eat more than one bite.

On the other hand, the Mother gave it 5.5 stars out of 5, which is technically cheating, but I allowed it owing to her extreme enthusiasm — the final result was still only a 2.5 out of 5, though. If you want a veggie side for your Indian food that only costs $3.49 and cooks up in the microwave in only a few minutes, this isn't a bad way to go.

If you like chips, then you'll probably enjoy stuffing a few of the Papadums Lentil and Chickpea Crisps in your face. They earned 2.5 out of 5 stars overall, and probably would have been rated higher if we were hungry, because they're kind of addictive once you start crunching on them.

The only problem is, they don't really taste like much. The Small Boy described them as "Pringles with all the flavor sucked out," which the rest of us felt was pretty accurate. Still, if you're hungry and want some crispy protein, this will do the trick at $2.69 for a big bag.

You wouldn't think Vegan Tikka Masala would be particularly good, and you'd be right — this earned a 2.8 out of 5 stars. I did like the little "meatballs" swimming in the sauce along with a few veggies, but everyone else hated it. It should also be noted that it had half the protein of the Chicken Tikka Masala, so it really wasn't a straight-across trade in terms of nutritional value.

However, it would make a decent side for people who already like such things, like vegans and vegetarians who aren't comparing it to actual meat. Another frozen dinner that costs only $4.29, it's worth a try if you want something mild and somewhat filling.

Packed with the flavor of veggies and flavorful turmeric, the Mini Vegetable Samosas seemed like they were going to be a crowd-pleaser in this curry-loving home. Sadly, that wasn't quite the case.

Although they didn't score terribly (these were the first food items that scored above a 3 at 3.1 out of 5 stars), they weren't as good as we'd hoped considering the innocuous ingredients and the fact that they contained fried dough. Still, they only cost $3.99 for a package of about 10, which is a decent price for some easy party food.

One thing to note about Trader Joe's Indian food is that there's very little to be had that is sweet (no pastries or cookies), fresh (very little in the way of veggies), or refreshing (chilled desserts or drinks). Given that the pickings were slim in this department, it was lovely to have a cold drink to try.

The Vanilla Almond Spiced Chai Protein Smoothie was smooth, creamy, nicely spiced without any flavor overwhelm, and had a fun mouthfeel. We sampled only a small amount at first, but found ourselves returning to it when we wanted to get rid of a particularly unpleasant flavor (looking at you, Fiery Chicken Vindaloo). For $3.49, it's a worthy snack, earning 3.2 out of 5 stars overall. In the end, the number was mostly dragged down by a certain Mother declaring it FAKE in all caps on her score sheet.

Tikka masala is a famous Indian dish for a reason: It's freaking delicious when done right. At a 3.4 out of 5 stars, the $4.49 TJ's Chicken Tikka Masala was almost done right, but not quite. It was a bit bland, and the chicken chunks were pretty dry on the palate, requiring a lot of cud-like chewing. The sauce was pretty good, though.

Chicken tikka masala is an easy enough dish to cook if you have a good Indian cookbook, and this really wasn't up to par for even a home kitchen. Where possible, you should probably skip the grocery store frozen version and just learn how to make it yourself.

Mama likes a curry chicken salad, so this one already had a head start in my book. The Small Boy and Small Girl were less convinced from the get-go, so it's all in all impressive that it scored as well as it did, with a 3.4 out of 5.

For a whole tub of chicken salad from the refrigerated section, I thought it was a steal at $4.99, because it actually tasted quite good. Just make sure you check the ingredients if you're serving it to others, as it does contain nuts.

Typically a dish that brings joy and can even be made into a delicious panini, the Paneer Tikka Masala did not disappoint. This earned a straight-up 4 from us, which means we've moved into the category of "good" from here on out. It came packaged in a cute box like the rest of the TJ's frozen items, which does make for a nice little scene in the freezer, I will say.

The only downside of the Paneer Tikka Masala is that the sauce was a little watery. Frozen paneer just can't hold its own when compared to the squidgy perfection of the fresh stuff, but that's hardly its fault. Overall, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this to someone for a busy weeknight meal for one, especially since it's only $3.69 for what could be either a personal serving or a side dish for an entire family.

The garlic naan was delicious, with pieces of fresh garlic and herbs sprinkled throughout. Despite that, it still had a mild enough flavor that the children enjoyed it nearly as well as the adults, giving it an overall score of 4 out of 5. Because it comes frozen for only $2.99, you can stock up if you don't go to Trader Joe's that often and just keep it in your freezer to bake or toast a slice at a time.

As if that weren't enough to recommend it, it also makes an awesome elevated grilled cheese sandwich. You can also use naan as the base for your next pizza, and adding TJ's staple Garlic Spread-Dip to it can be straight-up heavenly.

After the Fiery Chicken Vindaloo, one can't blame the entire family for feeling legitimately afraid to try the Lamb Vindaloo. It was, however, pretty darn good. The seasoning sauce was just right, the chunks of lamb were cooked to tender perfection, and the overall dish was quite lovely. It earned a solid 4 out of 5 stars, beating out the garlic naan simply because it was a unique offering and not just another bread product.

On the other hand, it was the most expensive item on the list at $5.49, so the budget-conscious probably won't appreciate it given what a small serving it ends up being, at least as a side dish. As a dinner for one, it's fine.

Indian food is known for spices with maximum flavor, and Trader Joe's Butter Chicken With Basmati Rice uses them to good effect. This 4.2-star winner was a delicious dish, absolutely worth the $4.49 for the frozen package of goodness. Every component was good: the chicken, the sauce, the rice.

This would make an excellent dinner for one, especially if you cooked yourself up a side of steamed broccoli or zucchini. You could also pair it with some lentils for extra protein, as the only downside was there wasn't much chicken.

With a ranking of 4.2 out of 5 stars and costing only $3.49 for a giant box, the Naan Crackers were among the winners of this taste test. They were buttery, salty, and just the right amount of crumbly — kind of like a Ritz cracker, but with a little less of an oily feel.

We had to take them away from Small Girl and Small Boy, who immediately started shoving them into their mouths. As this was toward the beginning of the taste test, we couldn't afford to gorge, but we sure wanted to. What higher praise is there?

Everyone expected to like the Mini Chicken Tikka Samosas, and everyone was right. Scoring 4.4 out of 5 stars, they were almost at the much-vaunted "Trader Joe's 5," but didn't quite get there because they were a tad too spicy. Also, certain family members are loath to let readers forget that SOMEONE (me) underbaked them a little, which wasn't the samosas' fault.

Still, they were delicious and constitute another nice party food. Like their veggie samosa cousins, they came in a package of 10 to 12, and were reasonably priced at $4.49. Probably owing to the addition of meat, they were a little more expensive than the other two, but we felt they were worth it.

We're getting near the end of our list, which means that stuff is starting to get real good. The Madras Lentils were a true surprise to everyone, mostly because they looked so dang dull from the little pouch they were packaged in. We didn't expect anything special, given they cost $2.49 and are cousins to the Kitchari and the Yellow Tadka Dal, but they sure showed us wrong.

The nicest thing about the Madras Lentils, which earned an average of 4.6 stars, was how mild and creamy they were. A quick check of the ingredients showed more than one dairy product (butter and cream), which explains why everyone loved it so much. Heartily recommended overall.

Weighing in at 4.6 out of 5 stars, the Garlic Naan Crackers were absolutely awesome. Second only to the Tandoori Naan, these are a definite win. You can dip them in the Curry Chicken Salad or another spread, or you can just eat them plain to good effect.

Plus, they're affordable. At $3.49 for a frankly massive box, they're a much better deal than an equivalent cracker you might find at a grocery store. Buttery but with a good snap, they really do give crackers a good name.

Now, welcome to the only item on the list that got a perfect score! And for good reason: This naan was buttery, soft, delicious, and easy to heat up in the oven. It only took a few minutes to transform a frozen package into a delicious, steaming side for our taste test. It's so good that, were you to dip this naan into some of the worst-ranking dishes on this list, they would immediately taste better.

Plus, it's very affordable. Each package comes with four huge pieces and costs only $2.99, so even a family of four could stretch it for several days. With food prices being the way they are, I don't hesitate to call this a good investment.

Unlike many other types of food, Trader Joe's specifically branded options aren't widely available. You have to go through its brick-and-mortar stores, as even its website — which doesn't include reviews — doesn't allow you to shop online. While I would ordinarily take online reviews into account, we were pretty much on our own here, so you'll just have to trust us — or, as in the case of the Fiery Chicken Vindaloo, don't ... and on your own head be it.

That said, I had to rely on my tastebuds and those of my family members. We ranked each item on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the best. After tasting the items, we each wrote down our score and, if we felt particularly motivated, additional notes of the "I could eat this forever!" or the "Why is this happening?!" variety. When finished, I averaged out the scores. In the case of a tie, the win went to whichever item we subjectively felt was best.

On a final note, there was a surprising lack of primacy effect: We didn't tend to like the foods we ate earlier any more than the ones we ate later, which shows that they stood on their own merits.