Ranking Store-Bought Chocolate Ice Cream From Worst To Best

You wouldn't think any chocolate ice cream could be bad, or at least I didn't think that before this taste test. As it happens, there are some terrible chocolate ice creams in the world, and now I know. Soon, you will too.

The taste test team this time around consisted of one husband, one father, one small girl, and one writer (yours truly). As with previous endeavors (see peanut butter and Indian food for a little, er, taste), we're trying to take the most scientific possible approach. And as I usually disclaim at the beginning, it is all but impossible to use real #science in one's dining room, surrounded by children and pets, frantically dishing up different kinds of chocolate ice cream, and using every single utensil in the house. (If you think we didn't pull out the cheese knives and camping cutlery toward the end, think again.)

We did, however, try to make our ranking as widely applicable as possible. If you live in the United States, chances are you will be able to find many or most of these brands at the grocery store near you. In general, ice creams are pretty widely available, proven by the fact that I only had to go to three stores to find 14 options. So by the end, you should have a pretty good idea of how to choose the best chocolate ice creams. Dig in.

It is hard to overstate how gross this sugar-free, dairy-free ice cream tasted. Yes, it is chocolate. No, one cannot truly hate any kind of chocolate. That's just silly. And yet, here we are with a 1.75 out of a possible 5 points. (Scroll to the end for a full explanation of how we ranked each ice cream.) It was powdery, oddly flavored, and left a weird chemical aftertaste that had me diving for other brands to drown it out. When the small girl tasted it, she said, "Why?!" That's all you need to know.

Honestly, it was so terrible that I'd recommend a chocolate banana smoothie or homemade pudding before buying this. It wasn't particularly cheap at $5 per pint, so your wallet will certainly thank you. And, as it turns out, it's easier to make ice cream without an ice cream maker than you might think. If the only choice you have is Rebel, then let this be the challenge you need to encourage your machine-free ice cream experimentation. It's really that bad.

Much like Rebel, So Delicious was at a disadvantage because it doesn't use your standard recipe of sugar, milk, cream, and eggs. It is dairy-free, which makes it less than inviting when you compare it to many of the other brands on this list. Overall, it scored a 2 out of 5, getting dinged on flavor, creaminess, scoop ability, and everything else. It really wasn't good.

I think it's important to point out, though, that people who can't digest dairy would likely have a different take. Obviously, heavy cream is going to make anything taste yummier. Since many of the brands on this list aren't held back by such constraints, they will win handily. As someone who tries to avoid dairy myself, I will say that this isn't the worst thing I've ever tasted.

Including this brand in the taste test was a little bit of a cheat, because it was actually Neapolitan flavor. Like many other brands that sometimes get a little too invested in their creativity, Tillamook doesn't always do the best job offering the basics: vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate. Luckily for us, they did give an option of all three.

Unluckily for us, and anyone else who opts to try Tillamook's Neapolitan ice cream, it was pretty disappointing. At a 2.25 out of 5, this one is probably best avoided. While Tillamook products are available everywhere in the United States, they are most commonly found in the Pacific Northwest, so for many people, avoiding them won't be much of a problem. But on a final note, you should know that their cheddar cheese is the best in the world, period, so don't bypass them altogether.

Kroger Deluxe is not what you would call a luxury brand, despite the misleading name. It is a serviceable option if you need chocolate ice cream in a hurry, and it's your best bet if you want something cheap. It was only $2.99 for a decent-sized tub. Unfortunately, it just wasn't that tasty. Even if it had been, it probably wouldn't be the right choice for people who want something a little more upscale and are worried about such factors as cocoa percentage or the toxicity of ingredients.

That said, it wasn't terrible. At 3.25 out of 5, you have to give it credit for tasting decent. Considering it's a full point higher than its next-best competitor, that's pretty good. It just wasn't as good as the rest, and for that, it gets punished. Bad Kroger!

For a while, Halo Top was a go-to sweet treat for the husband and me on a Saturday night. What's not to like? You can down an entire pint of ice cream to the tune of 300 to 400 calories. Every tired parent loves a deal like that, and if you get them on sale, they're only around $5. (This pint cost $5.49, to be exact.)

The only problem is that the flavor just doesn't wow the way the calories do. There's a reason for that, of course. When you replace time-tested ingredients such as eggs and cream with God Only Knows What, this is the result: a suboptimal flavor of pretend chocolate. And yet, it wasn't the worst.

Although it too got a score of 3.25, Halo Top beats out Kroger because it got higher marks in more categories. While it was a bit more disappointing in flavor, which is the main thing that suffers when you have low-cal ice cream, it was creamy and melty in all the right ways. It was a better overall ice cream experience, and unlike Rebel, it didn't have a weird chemical aftertaste.

Trader Joe's is hit-and-miss. Sometimes, they have amazing deals; other times, I'm shocked at the amount they expect me to pay for subpar chain food. Happily, with chocolate ice cream, that is not the case. It was pretty tasty, as we all agreed.

Like the previous two ice creams, Trader Joe's earned a 3.25 in overall scoring. However, it got the highest ranking of the trio because its flavor was considered the best. It was also creamy, though it didn't melt readily enough. It was hard to scoop and stayed a bit too cold in the mouth. If you're going to buy it, you might want to get a nice ice cream scoop. Especially since, at non-wintry times of year, you're going to want to scoop it when it's still cold (read, in the case of TJ's: rock hard).

I give Trader Joe's higher points for one other reason, which is that their stores are available pretty much everywhere and they have a highly standardized product. That means if you know Trader Joe's chocolate ice cream is pretty okay, it will be pretty okay anywhere. There's something to be said for reliability. Speaking of reliability ...

In my humble opinion, Ben & Jerry's tends to prioritize their creativity over their reliability, and I often find myself frustrated by my inability to find the classics. Why, for instance, would any store fail to carry Cherry Garcia? And yet, I almost never see it when shopping ... and you can just forget about any flavor so basic as chocolate. (You can get specific flavors such as Cherry Garcia delivered through Amazon Fresh if you really care, though.)

All of which is to say, I wasn't surprised to strike out when looking for a basic chocolate. However, the flavor we found is called Chocolate Therapy and is as close to the basics as you can really get. The mix-ins were little more than a bit of chocolate frozen custard, so we felt it counted on our taste test. As it would have been a shame to leave out this classic brand, we went for it.

It scored a 3.5 out of 5, which isn't terrible, especially compared to the ones that preceded it. This is the first brand that I really enjoyed eating. However, there were just better choices out there.

Have you ever heard of Jeni's before? We had not. As it turns out, this is kind of a shame, because Jeni's was delicious. If we hadn't been comparing it to so many other kinds of chocolate ice cream, I think we really would have loved it. The flavor was right, especially if you really like dark chocolate. If you're more of a milky, creamy type, then this wouldn't be for you. But for those of us who are chocoholics, it's a safe bet.

Jeni's only got a 3.5 out of 5, which sounds bad until you realize that even the highest scorer only got a 4.75. When you are ranking things in multiple categories, it's hard not to be critical. That 3.5 actually represents the first entry in the top half of the rankings, so if you're stuck for a brand and you come across Jeni's, go for it. It scored slightly higher in flavor than Ben & Jerry's, so even though they got the same score overall, Jeni's gets the edge.

Does anyone else think it's weird that Breyers and Dreyer's are spelled almost the same and, as far as I can tell, they only make ice creams? It's one of those weird food things that has confounded me since I was about 7 years old. While this has absolutely nothing to do with ice cream rankings, it always seems worth mentioning.

As far as its quality goes, there's a lot to be said for Dreyer's. It earned a 3.75 out of 5, which is getting near the top. This ice cream scooped nicely, looked pretty in a bowl, had a lovely brown flavor but wasn't too dark, and was very creamy. I recommend it heartily. There weren't really any drawbacks, it just wasn't the favorite.

I have always loved Häagen-Dazs. Most likely, this is because my parents love it as well. Although we couldn't afford it all the time when I was growing up, if they found it at Grocery Outlet or otherwise discounted, they always brought it home. It was a treat we all looked forward to.

Unsurprisingly, then, I thought their chocolate ice cream would be a surefire bet. Surprisingly, it was not. Although the husband and I ranked it 5 out of 5 (more impressive since for him it was a blind taste test), the small girl and father both gave it a 3. And as the father pointed out, my childhood associations with it probably skewed me in a more positive direction. Certainly, when I was desperately trying to get the taste of Rebel out of my mouth, this is the ice cream I reached for. Overall, at a 4 out of 5, it's a pretty safe bet.

Breyers is another brand from my youth. I can tell I have positive associations with it because when I look at the packaging, I can't help but smile. Plus, you get a hunky tub for only $5.99. That's a pretty good deal if you're trying to feed a family or throw a party.

My biases aside, the blind taste testers agreed: Breyers is tasty. It got an average score of 4 out of 5, with its ratings for flavor and creaminess stacking up against its overall marks. This one is not quite as dark as some of the other choices, so for people who love creamy and mild milk chocolate, it's a perfect bet. It would be amazing with a dark fudge sauce or a mountain of whipped cream ... or both.

Although it scored a 4 overall, like Häagen-Dazs, Breyers got the win on flavor. I was the only one who ranked Häagen-Dazs higher in that category, which the father strongly implied was only because I alone knew which was which. All these years later, and he's still telling me what's up. (Then again, he's the only reason I know enough math to calculate these averages, so ... thanks, Dad.)

If there is one ice cream to truly fan girl over, it is Straus. The packaging has a beautiful, classy design, and the Christmas vibe is strong. As soon as you open the pint, you can see lovely ice cream glistening inside, in a nice dark color that looks super inviting. It scoops easily without melting, it is very creamy on the tongue, and it's full of that rich chocolate flavor that we all look for in a good ice cream. Honestly, it's a pretty perfect specimen, with just a hint of the saltiness that makes us dive for water after eating ice cream.

At $7.79 per pint, Straus is no bargain, though. If you want a fancy personal ice cream to finish in one Netflix binge, as we all do from time to time, I advise you to opt for Ben & Jerry's, Häagen-Dazs, or Halo Top. While none of these quite compares to Straus, all three cost several dollars less. Your bank account is likely to be healthier for it, even if you are not.

The only exception I would make is if you are asked to bring ice cream to someone's house and you want to make an impression. This pint is so beautiful, I don't hesitate to say it's the way to go.

If you have been irritated by the steady decline in the quality and variety of the products available at Whole Foods over the last several decades, then you were not alone. That is also how I feel. However, if there is one break in the trend, it's the introduction of the 365 brand. It's inexpensive and it's actually good, and the chocolate ice cream is no exception.

In fact, that's an understatement: This ice cream is actually very good. It was easy to scoop, rich, perfectly melty but holding its shape until you put it into your mouth. Everyone gave it high marks in all categories, and the husband and I both gave it perfect 5s across the board.

Most importantly, Whole Foods edged out Straus in the flavor category, even though both received an overall score of 4.5. Plus, with prices being what they are, the 365 brand easily outstrips the competition; it was about $6.50 for a whole tub, as opposed to roughly $7.75 for the pint. Who has the money?

In the end, no ice cream got the coveted 5 out of 5 stars. However, Umpqua came the closest. It was perfectly sweet, melty, creamy, and mild. That doesn't mean that it's boring, however. Indeed, it has a lovely rich flavor that embodies everything chocolate ice cream is supposed to be, making it a good candidate for the recent trend of spicy honey topping.

With a 4.75 out of 5, it was basically heaven. Everyone loved it; only the father gave it a 4 ... and only that because he was offended by the idea of giving any ice cream 5 out of 5. In his opinion, and I quote, "There is always room for chocolate ice cream to improve." The rest of us gave it a full 5, so really this is his fault.

While I would say that any of the top seven choices are enjoyable enough to be worth the money, Umpqua was far and away the best. If you can get your hands on it, you should. As it is, unfortunately, mostly a Pacific Northwest phenomenon, the next best option is to get some if you visit the area. Whole Foods is a great runner-up, so you're covered either way.

Now to take a closer look at that science we talked about. There is, of course, no actually unbiased way to rank chocolate ice cream. At the very best, you are tasting 14 ice creams one after the next, and they will all influence how you feel about the ones before and after them. At the worst, you are me, dishing things up in the kitchen and knowing exactly what you're looking at.

Bottom line: You can only be so objective about taste tests, especially when we're talking about chocolate ice cream, which people tend to have strong opinions about. In order to strive for as much objectivity as possible, this was a blind taste test for three out of four people. They numbered their sheets and wrote down their scores knowing nothing more than what their spoonful of chocolate ice cream looked like. I kept track in the kitchen and told them afterward. In a few cases, we were surprised. For instance, we all thought that Häagen-Dazs and Ben & Jerry's would do better. Alas, it is a testament to our "strict" study controls that they didn't ... so you can safely save your money there.

To create the ranking, we rated each ice cream out of 5. I then averaged everybody's scores to see how the brands stacked up to one another. We also ranked them in three other categories: flavor, creaminess, and meltiness. When there was a tie (as happened in several cases) we broke it by comparing the other measures and choosing the one that scored highest in flavor, then creaminess, then meltiness. In some cases, I have noted where you might want to consider price as well.